But learning to cope with tricky emotions is an important life skill. Here are some ways parents can avoid meltdowns and help children learn how to deal with disappointment…<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The brain science behind disappointment <\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Located in the \u2018emotional control centre\u2019 of the brain, the amygdala perceives any big emotion a child feels as a threat. \u201cA chain of events, also called the fight-or-flight response, then occurs that prepares the body to respond to that threat,\u201d says Sarah Conway, a psychologist in Wollongong, Australia, and owner of Mindful Little Minds<\/a>. \u201cDuring this time, stress hormones in the body increase, and the area of the body responsible for thinking, reasoning and planning goes offline.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n For children, that\u2019s because the area of the brain responsible for impulse control and logical thinking doesn\u2019t fully develop until people are in their mid-20s. \u201cMuch of their behaviour in these moments is out of their conscious control, as the brain is only focused on survival,\u201d Conway says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, when a child is disappointed, they\u2019re literally unable to access reason. Unlike adults who think with their prefrontal cortex \u2013 the rational, decision-making part of the brain \u2013 children use their more reactive amygdala, or emotional brain. \u201cWhen kids want something, they want it now,\u201d Conway says. \u201cThey have no ability to wait or delay gratification.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Looking for more parenting advice, alongside good news stories from around the world and fun, family-friendly activity ideas? Then sign up for our Family Round-Up newsletter here<\/a>!<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n Conway adds that children also haven\u2019t had a lot of practice when it comes to managing their emotions. \u201cSo, when they don\u2019t get what they want, it might be the worst thing that has happened in their short lives,\u201d she says. \u201cOr at the very least, that\u2019s what it feels like to them.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Disappointment happens when reality doesn\u2019t live up to expectations, and the feeling can manifest in various ways. Some children may throw tantrums or withdraw; others may steal or show aggression.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Those reactions, of course, will not serve them well as adults. So, when children learn how to deal with disappointment, they also learn to self-regulate strong emotions, says Melissa Hunt, children\u2019s program supervisor at St. Clair County Community Mental Health in Port Huron, Michigan, USA.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cWe hate to see our kids disappointed. And it would be really amazing if we could just take that feeling away and make everything perfect,\u201d says Hunter Clarke-Fields, author of Raising Good Humans<\/em>. \u201cBut we do our children a disservice when we try to protect them from all the uncomfortable feelings.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n When kids are overly protected, they reach early adulthood unprepared to handle life\u2019s pains and difficulties. And they end up as anxious and overwhelmed young adults. Research has suggested that parents of anxious children tend to have more negative expectations of their children\u2019s ability to cope with stressful situations and are more likely to intervene for their children when they display negative emotions or are in distress.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cIt\u2019s healthy for kids \u2013 with the loving support of their parents \u2013 to go through uncomfortable feelings and realise how they can handle it,\u201d Clarke-Fields says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Disappointment is an inevitable human experience, but parents can take this opportunity to guide their child through a difficult period. \u201cAt some point, we\u2019re all going to be let down,\u201d says Lindsey Rosen, a Denver-based postdoctoral fellow in developmental psychology. \u201cAnd if kids can learn to manage disappointment, then they can learn how to respond in productive ways.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Here are some tips to start the conversation and help your kids deal with disappointment\u2026<\/p>\n\n\n\n Clarke-Fields suggests sharing the potentially disappointing news with your child honestly and directly, and providing an age-appropriate explanation for why the child is going to have to wait for their gift \u2013 or not receive it at all. <\/p>\n\n\n\n For instance: \u201cI really wish I could have got you this, but I couldn\u2019t this year,\u201d or \u201cI\u2019ve bought you the toy, but it\u2019s not quite ready yet \u2013 it\u2019ll arrive in February. Shall we mark it on the calendar so you can look forward to it?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Allow your child to experience their disappointment, then validate their feelings. \u201cDon\u2019t belittle the child or tell them to \u2018just toughen up\u2019,\u201d says Linda A. Camras, professor emerita in psychology at DePaul University\u2019s College of Science and Health in Chicago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That includes trying to change their feelings or talk them out of being disappointed. Camras also advises against telling kids they should be grateful for what they do have. \u201cAs parents, our job is to be as present as you can be and listen,\u201d Clarke-Fields says. \u201cIt\u2019s not like there\u2019s anything to change at that point.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n The most important thing, especially for younger kids, is to name the feeling. \u201cIf a kid finds out they\u2019re not getting a gift, they may not feel sad right away. They might be angry, frustrated, confused, or acting out of control,\u201d Rosen says. \u201cThe kid might be feeling all those things for the first time.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Instead, help children name that experience: You\u2019re feeling disappointed. \u201cNow, the kid has a vocabulary and the ability to put a name to the feeling,\u201d Rosen says. \u201cThat\u2019s a huge step towards emotional intelligence.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n Adults sometimes make an assumption that a child is disappointed for a certain reason, when really it\u2019s something else. For example, a parent might assume their child is disappointed that a bicycle didn\u2019t appear under the tree, but they\u2019re actually sad about not being able to join their friends on a bike ride.<\/p>\n\n\n\n \u201cSpend time helping kids unpack that moment so that they have the opportunity to connect with what they\u2019re thinking, feeling, noticing and doing,\u201d says Andrea Hussong, professor of psychology and neuroscience ad the University of North Carolina. Clarke-Fields suggests going for a walk<\/a> with your child or colouring side-by-side, so they don\u2019t feel the pressure of a face-to-face conversation.<\/p>\n\n\n If you haven\u2019t already, don\u2019t overpromise for the holidays. \u201cGiving children a list of realistic options can lead to less disappointment in the end,\u201d Hunt says. (If you have overpromised, refer back to tip one.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n
Why your kid needs to experience disappointment<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
![\"how](\"https:\/\/cdn.creatureandcoagency.com\/uploads\/2023\/11\/DealWithDisappointment-2.jpg\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nTalk about how to deal with disappointment <\/h2>\n\n\n\n
Be honest. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Accept their emotions. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Label the feelings. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Understand the true disappointment. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
![\"how](\"https:\/\/cdn.creatureandcoagency.com\/uploads\/2023\/11\/DealWithDisappointment-3.jpg\")
<\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\nSet realistic expectations. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n
Practice soothing techniques. <\/h3>\n\n\n\n